I want to touch your soul through your body...with my penis...
Mike i'm at church right now...
Feel like bed is flying. Not sure where we're going. Hope there is candy.
She begged me for sex again. I felt like I was telling a homeless person I didn't have any change.
Whatever, its basically a crime against humanity to miss an andre power hour so she'll get what's coming to her.
There is something depressing about eating toast in a dark living room by myself using a paper plate that says: "Let's Party!"
Just so you're aware, tomorrow is "Slow Clap when you see Mike" day.
If you go to the bathroom don't ask why there's diet coke on the toilet. Loller copter. Blow is fun.
We can do this. We've been drunk at a gay bar, we will not be taken down by a Tuesday.
after he went down on me he said he wanted an air freshener for his car scented like my vag. i cant even.
I was just randomly reminded of the night you were wrapped up in a bed sheet carrying a full bottle of cookie dough vodka and warning neighbors of the weirdos running around
Shit on my own feet while puking from my hangover. Is this what 33 is supposed to be like?
I need a costume for that party. Even if I'm just taking it off.
You have no concept of how high I am, do you?
he woke up this morning, drunk as fuck, butt ass naked, and he had left grandmas gun on the counter and doesn't know why.
Currently doing the walk of shame out of some random girls house with my boyfriend. Talk about relationship goals.
Randomize
