conclusion of the day: americans need to get on tredmills, people need to learn how to flush toliets and learn how to pee in then instead of on them, and waiters shouldnt tell their life stories to customers.
i woke up naked with 27 half ripped $ bills in my bed from ripping them off the wall of the bar
You came on your own forehead. Just wanted to remind you that.
i fucked her mom dude
there's something to tell the kids
He was completely serious when he said my boobs were like "majestic white clouds."
I have got to stop assigning last names to girls I get numbers from based on what I think will remind me of them... Sarah Petrydish is not an acceptable memory trigger
Just for future reference, me asking if you're free, followed by a winking face is not my way of suggesting a tandem bike ride.
You disappeared for 10 minutes. Then came back with nothing but your boxers and a life jacket on to tell us we were all screwed when the flood came and you would be the only survivor.
I got slapped by a drag queen and bitten on the arm by either a random girl or a weird mouth shaped dog. Tough to tell without seeing the teeth
HOW THE FUCK CAN YOU NOT REMEMBER WHIPPING IT OUT AND PUTTING ON THE BAR?
By the way, you're banned for life.
If you get that boat I will recruit some boat hoes for you and tape a video and sync it to I'm On A Boat. This is happening.
Note to self: Never spend $8 on a liter of rum again
Only time and a comprehensive case study of all of your relationships will tell.
I am a delicate flower. A fucked up, drunk, horny, pants pissing, delicate little flower.
If it were up to me his wife would never get his penis again, but I guess they have some sort of arrangement
Yes, an arrangement called marriage
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