I just farted in the dogs face to show him who's boss
I think the universe is against us being together. Or maybe it's just god's way of telling me there is a bigger dick out there for me.
ahh summer, the season during which the prefix for every verb is "get drunk and"
I don't know, but I don't want you to think its ok to show up at my house at 4 am with a gorilla suit and a bucket of pinnapple and think id be ok with it
You need to always be prepared. Like a sex firefighter.
Post-shopping-cart-scooter-jousting victory fuck?
I just showered sitting down with a sippy cup of water in there with me. It took 40 minutes. That hungover.
Is it morally wrong to give today's hookup a Krispy Kreme from yesterday's hookup or is it just fat love?
I didn't know your ex looked like a male Khloe Kardashian?
Hey, scratch that. I've shit 8 times today. I don't have the energy to get laid so I cancelled my date.
Well I'm in a stranger's bed.
Gotta leave to watch the Lions
He's far too busy staring into my soul to touch my tits.
Also, if you don't fuck me soon, I will die. I don't want to die like that.
Haha just talked to the dude you bit on Thursday. He has been growing a beard to hide the bruising....
I'm not gonna lie. I need sex like plants need water right now. I just need the dick.
Randomize
