i guess its not very common for a paramedic to have to revive someone who was struck by a falling shampoo bottle while getting off from the bathtub faucet.
i was like a deer caught in headlights with its coke-dick hanging out
Nothing kills the mood when I am hooking up on the dance floor like the DJ saying Happy Valentines.
all i remember is him tryin to explain to the girls how to effectively hit the strip club with their bfs
hes actually pretty persuasive when he drinks
Dude you went around coming up behind people and whispering in their ears. I dont know what you said but they looked terrified when you left.
Heb just said, and I quote, "let's go to Who's On Third and fuck a fishbowl with our mouths. I am going to fuck this van." and then he humped a van.
We really gotta change brands again because 2-ply is making us feel like the celebrities we aren't.
Dude my body has gone into shock from not eating frozen pizza and chips. I've been shitting like Richard Simmons after a night out of twerking in a corn field
I want falafel more than sex right now. That's really saying something for me...
So our bartender was in the bathroom the same time I was so I ordered a beer mid stream.....is that weird?
Next time you have him paint you an outfit so you can do you walk the street naked TAKE A SHOWER BEFORE YOU GET IN THE BED. MY sheets look like like an acid trip
How does one get out of sexting without being rude? I'm trying to watch Downtown Abbey
Can my mom come with to the bar? Prince just died and I feel like I need to take her out to cheer her up.
He caught me mid-escape...one leg out the window, bra n thong in hand.I just looked at him and said "Bye Now" n proceeded to fall out his window....then.... tell me why he texted me 30 min later to make sure i got home ok! #igotthis
Jungle juice breakfast? No? Ok.
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