So, I'm about to rent a movie, order pizza, and use my vibrator.... Am I dating myself?
So My parents cut me off after I started making blood marys with hienz ketchup
Yea...but the guy who is beating me has a ponytail. So actually, I'm the winner here.
Girl just texted me a pic of her boobs with the caption "don't think I'm a whore"
just served this dwarf dude an entire pitcher of malt liquor. watching this will totally be worth my bartender's certification.
You told me when we were leaving the club if I could pin point your nipple through your padded bra you would show me if I was right.
We should search craigslist for porches to sublet.
The basket that the Naughty Easter bunny left for you at my house might keep us entertained for a little while...
I just got my evaluation. My manager told me he hated my guts and pretty much wanted to stab me in the face. Then he gave me an "exceeds expectations" on pretty much everything and a raise.
my poor anus
Then he said,"I love you like a sister I like to have sex with."
Tis the season to play Pocahontas! (AKA: Eat a bunch of acid and run around the yard barefoot, the first person to see the colors of the wind, wins!)
He is a sex God. It lasted more than an hour, and I don't remember how many times I came. I lost count at 57.
He KNOWS ALL THE WORDS TO "JESUS IS MY FRIEND", I swear if he even tries to pull shit with me I'm becoming an actual nun.
Depends how u look at it. Half-full, half-empty, or how should I shave my pubes
Randomize
