I told the cop it was my birthday and he said "happy fuckin birthday", handcuffed me and threw me in the back of the cop car.
under NO circumstances is it acceptable to fist pump to taylor swift
Woke up with pink eye in both my eyes. That's how the threesome went
I'm 2 blowjobs away from girlfriend status....don't tell me I don't know how to have an adult relationship
i had to get the starbucks manager to open the bathroom door for me...you passed out on the floor, the things i do for you
if youre pregnant and ruin my spring break i'll never forgive you.
Just rescued a super cute pair of Gucci heels off the sorority lawn on my way to work. Things are worth two paychecks. Fuck trust fund kids.
He turned down jacuzzi sex. He cares more about my vagina than i do.
They're re-releasing Titanic in 3-D. Can I interest you in a joint venture to create the greatest drinking game of all time? I think yes
My gyno overestimated by 3 TIMES the amount of sex we have per week. First of all, he must think I'm a freak. Secondly, I think we should catch up.
her wearing orange crocs at the bar was definitely a great form of contraception
Emoji's do wonders when you actually have nothing at all to say..
I knew things were bad when my gyno recommended meditation.
Some mornings I close deals. Other mornings I puke out my window while I’m driving down the highway
BITCH IT IS YOUR BIRTHDAY AND I'M STARTING ON A FISHBOWL OF LIQUOR WITHOUT YOU
I read that out. Group response is "Katie is hard as fuck."
WITH MOTHERFUCKING MONKEY MITTENS
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