There are GROWN MEN with fake HP wands flinging curses at me in Walmart.
That's funny. Are they weird looking???
OF COURSE THEY ARE WEIRD LOOKING, THEY ARE STALKING ME IN WALMART. WITH. FAKE. WANDS.
i didn't know falling asleep in the tbell line could get you a dui. Isn't everyone there stoned or drunk?
apparently i was just sitting there with my shirt down holding my boobs saying "its ok. its all gonna be ok"
Did you spray paint that captain morgan fifth that's in the freezer gold?
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2 rounds of irish car bombs have already been taken to your 5 year sober anniversary
Great. Now I'm always going to be the roommate that boned a guy with a third nipple.
Thanks for bailing me out last night guys. it's bullshit that everbeering people at bars is illegal. bitches have no sense of adventure anymore
i asked the cop if we could stop and do a chinese firedrill.... he said no.
The cop asked you after the breathalyzer what you think you blew and you very discreetly shouted "I'm pretty sure i blew Kyle on the way here "
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I'm also sorry that I ate your chicken sandwich while you were throwing up....
We need to get fucked up again and play games like "save the tequila but dodge the knife"
i just woke up to her giving me a toothy BJ so I had to break into your bedroom and steal about 4 condoms. Sorry for waking you. :(
he's smothering me... and not in the good, can you move your thigh off my face please?.. way
Apparently I was so drunk last night I got stuck in the revolving door at the hotel. They have suveliance vidoes of it.
your fucking longboard fell on me while we were having sex you fucking hipster
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