She told me that she faked her orgasm. Does she think I care??
I woke up to him eating me out, listening to classical music.
He let me keep his flannel as a "good job" for the great head I gave him.
Come to me. Jacob is confessing his love and all I want is a hot dog. With chili. Not love.
Luke did at least 8 shots of pure mayonnaise last night. I am not sure if that is better or worse than my 2 cement mixers?
Having to explain to my dad why there are chicken wings to the pool filter, new low.
I hate it when the guy who runs the chicken and waffles truck is convinced that I run a cult.
that is the opposite of a normal text message.
Look, I'm just saying, she looks like a troll and works indefinitely at a shitty Chinese restaurant, so me sleeping with her boyfriend is the least of her troubles...
Well I was kicked out of the bar and woke up on a picnic table. I'd say the night was awesome!
He used the term 'cock-staggering' in an email. So needless to say things are going pretty well.
Well I'm sorry I assumed you were a human and that humans have the capability to forget sometimes.
"Being an adult" and "being happy" are two circles that do not overlap in my Venn diagram of life.
I got really stoned and got my certification as an ordained minister. How productive has your day been?
I burned my tit while he banged me and it was still the best kitchen sex EVER!!!
I tried making my own red bull with crushed up caffeine pills, bubbley water and flintstones chewable vitamins. The ER doctor sead I'm lucky to be alive.
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