my new favorite insult= "thundercunt"
Clearly, I'm already going to hell, so there's no point in trying anymore.
Fastest blow job ever. Though it was probably a good thing since we were in front of my house.
French people screaming and throwing stuff out the window. We told the manager and he's pissed and going up there. This is gonna be like cops. Maybe better than cops.
we can add 'stealing hydrangeas from the sign in front of the credit union because we're too poor to have all of the flower arrangements professionally done' to my list of maybe-felonies
Just had my ass outlined on a bar top with permanent marker and then they carved the imprint into the wood with a knife. I'm famous in the country!
After i black out, be a good friend and point me to the direction of a girl with daddy issues, any girl would do just fine
They should have to wear some identification that warns you to stay away. Like one of those cones dogs wear to keep them from biting stitches. CONE OF SHAME.
I totally accidentally said "we don't go around hammering girls in the rear" in front of 132 5th graders today.
Wearing the 'Let's Party' thong feels weird without you...
Let us bow our heads and pray that I don't throw up in the tub
When do you sleep by the way. I was surprised when I went to work at 1 am,left at 7 am and had a text from you somewhere in between
I just vodka nap now...
If I had a vagina, my apartment would have been the Atlantic
I just tried to get a motorcycle cop to give me a ride....he told me not to ask strangers for rides
Hey, I was just wondering why i dont have a shirt on, why im cuddling with a furnace, why im in my own basement, and where my car is.
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