I'm putting on too much make up bc I'm stoned
If it makes you feel better, you're better at taking it in than ass than she is...
Well...yeah actually, that does make me feel better
And we started making out. She asked me to pick a number between 1 and 10. I said 6. She took me to her room. A few minutes later I wasnt a virgin. DUDE I WAS GOING TO SAY 2.
I just delivered a ham and cheese to a strip club. you were right this job is not that bad
he's downstairs watching tv with my family... I called the home line so my mom could bring me my make up bag cause my real face would prob make him delete my number
We blazed in her bathtub. All 5 of us. Not easy bro
How's the hangover?
I've been begging my dog to mercy kill me for over an hour. He has this look like he might do it, you know, as my best friend should.
A duck just looked me in the eye whilst I peed in a lake. I feel so dirty.
Um went out in San Francisco last night and ignored someone hitting on me. So they bit my arm. Lmfao PLEASE TELL ME THIS ISNT THE SINGLE LIFE
This is it. This is the birthday cake that gets me laid.
Would you accept a fantastic blowjob as payment?
We probably are going to die. So. Thanks for agreeing to be my Maid of Honor even though I torture you.
Gave her a puke bucket just in case. She filled the bottom of it with tears. Super sad. Although I am super proud she didn't puke. That was a lot of Fireball.
Oh the best part of having sex with him was that he made me a smoothie after
Three cheers for handling my crush on my boss in an entirely reasonable manner, by having a threesome with my coworkers.
Randomize
