WHY DOES GOD HATE MY DICK
I need ur penis! This is not drunk texting, either! This is I need ur penis texting. There IS a difference!
talked to my RA about stamps and mailmen again. when do you think she'll realize that i only talk to her when i'm high?
I found my underwear on the sidewalk 8 blocks from her house while on my walk of shame. I also found our beer bag and a full beer in the bush.
You defs just slept for 6 hours in a porta pottie. You should probably just kill yourself.
I have a meeting at work in an hour, I'm so hungover going outside is NOT happening there are roads and shit I'll totally get myself killed.
I got shot at today. If that doesn't get me at least a blow job I give up working on the south side
It's pathetic. My bed hasn't been this sexless since it was in bedmart.
Right now I'm drinking out of a gallon water jug & eating a baconator. If you're feeling down, just remember you could be me.
I thought you might think I was an idiot who thought cock rings prevent STDs,
Has anyone ever blacked out at an art show your dad brought you to?
Went up to some dude that hit on Laura and told him he has a voice like a grandma. Apparently didnt have muscles or kindness like grandma so can you pick me up at the ER please?
WTF was I supposed to tell them? "hi mom and dad, this is some rando I met on the internet. please ignore the noises that will be coming from my bedroom for the next 60-90 minutes. kthxbye."
I might be a bit late, couldn't find my pants and had to go to the police station. Unrelated
I've realized that my life is a cycle of high that is only broken by sobering up at work, which only happens because I can't smoke more
Randomize
