last night i was so high that when a homeless person asked me for a dollar, i responded: dolla dolla bill ya'll.
they said they heard you say put it in my butt
Tell me why Im cashing out of Walmart with Smirnoff and catfood
OMG. if college stays like this, theres no way i wont be pregnant by first semester
Girl walking by was talking on the phone about how he needed to write a gratitude list in her letter to god this week. Too stoned
I told myself this year would be different, I wouldn't get "pee in a fish tank drunk".. Got to the girls house... Fish tank in her room.. 2 years in a row.. had to keep the tradition going
how you manage to cockblock me from 500 miles away still baffles me.
I am omw to AA Fellowship by the sea w Jenny and a stripper who just paid for our jetski with 85 $1 bills
Her vagina felt like a fur coat. It was weird at first but I kinda liked it
Nah. And this is true. It's like you were trained by sexual Jedi or something.
*jedi wave* this is the penis you were looking for
drinking right out of the bottle and nobody bats an eye.
its good to be home.
Today's psa: there are certain parts of your body you shouldn't scratch while wearing fake nails.
you just tore your cootch a new one, didn't you?
he drank half a bottle of bushmills, stood up to pee over the side, pissed his pants, sat in the puddle on the deck, told me my life goals were stupid and impossible, and wouldn't leave until 5am. by the time I got up at 8 I had 4 texts and 2 fb messages from him. AND HE STILL THINKS IT WENT WELL
For the record you're a very classy lady and your love for and mastery of strap-ons is amazing. I would gladly marry you and father your offspring
Hey? Just a hypothetical. You ever accidentally kill somebody's cat on purpose? Like you didn't mean to but it had it coming? If you're wondering it tripped me while I was walking down the stairs and I landed on it as I fell.
Randomize
