Then you got really excited when I upgraded you from puke bowl to puke bucket.
casually drinking alone with your cats. do they like sparks?
I have yet found the courage to put pants on. No judgement thursday led to no shower friday and now no pants saturday. God i miss college.
Didn't I tell you I have developed a shameless theory about farting anywhere and everywhere? I'm too pretty so no one suspects me.
If you listen closely you can hear the sound of inbreeding and shame.
I just saw a bunch of drunk old guys riding on the side of a modified old fire truck yelling at cars and smoking while they looked for parking...promise we will be just like them when we grow up?
I'm craigslisting fire trucks as we speak
We ended up at a lesbian bar and all my co-workers tried to get me laid. This is not how I envisioned coming out.
You know I love you more than life itself, but love has its limits. And so help me god, if you bail on me, I will fucking watch the last Game of Thrones episode without you.
We walked in and someone handed her an unopened bottle of jack with her name on it. She's like a drunken celebrity.
Did you go to church in Texas and sign me up?
You need southern Jesus
I want the address of the individual responsible for strawbeeritas. I want to send them gift basket.
I have to go buy generic plan b after work. I don't even leave for the new semester for another 11 days. I think I just leveled up in sluttiness
Now swiping left on 23-year-olds with abs. Is this adulting?
Plus you need some new dick in your life, the environment is fucked enough you don’t have to recycle anymore 😂💀
Fuck my life... Im so horny Im gonna take it out on this sandwich
Randomize
