During the middle of giving him head, he flashes his phone and says "I like to watch."
Please tell me you saw the asian lady with the medical mask on cutting her lawn with scissors.
Were you really trying to feed me potato chips while I was sitting on the toilet?
he called me from germany to tell me about all the gummy bears he bought...i'm doubting his sobriety
My only regret is not throwing up on the conveyor belt in the dining hall
I'm really stoned in my underwear. I probably won't make it to the bar.
Hardest I think I've ever had to work for a shack. Whatevs. Still gonna get my way though. I'll start respecting myself on Monday
There were grown college boys running around north campus in capes with nerf guns. If security were to be called I think they would just give them more beer.
i found you in bed eating fish fillets dipped in chocolate pudding
Just lectured your brother about using condoms when hooking up with girls he meets online. I should be a fucking life coach
Was so high at one point last night that while showering I was worried that using too much hot water would slow down our Internet.
Do not take the D yet, he needs to be worth it. Your Vagina is GOLD.
We're friends with benifits... The benifits being I'm fucking her boyfriend
All I'm wearing right now is a condom and a sock.
Just one?
Yup. One sock.
it was the kind of sex that I don't even know how my hair extentions are still in
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