pwbgyin
what?
penguin condom
i just google imaged poop.
but she was nice to me.
She was a fuckin STRIPPER.
I microwaved pizza rolls, a hot dog, and bacon in the same plate with no paper towels. I drank the grease at the end. I'm going to vomit everywhere.
So after tequila Thursday, Jess broke her arm table dancing. Now her and Andrew look like the perfect drunk couple, matching casts and all.
The girl with a dislocated arm just did an assisted keg stand. You will never have an excuse again.
The last thing I remember is feeding country fried steak to my best friend in a bubble bath with my bare hands.
may or may not have figured out a way to make my mom a drug mule to bring me ecstasy...
Why yes. I did get laid looking like that. My sheets look like there was a clown orgy
he thought it would be funny to put his dick inside a beer bottle and wear it around. until we all realized how small his dick would have to be to fit in a beer bottle
My mom just asked if I've gotten any girls pregnant how is your day going
I started crying during a meeting at work and now I'm sitting on my couch drinking boxed wine at 1:30 in the afternoon. Fuck you too estrogen.
Why the fuck am I at this dorm meeting? I don't pay $50,000 a year to stay sober.
I've come to the conclusion that my issue is I'm not fucking a guy with a headboard
At a bar in the city and the whole place starting singing “Happy Birthday” to someone. Everyone but me. The person next to me leaned over and said, “Why didn’t you sing along?!?” I responded, “I don’t know him. I don’t give a shit if he has a happy birthday.”
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