when you close your eyes do you see, that mystical creature will be me.
who is this?
i woke up with a grocery list signed by "the people who ate all your shit while you were passed out"
When I stretch out her lips her vagina looks like a dolphin...this birthmark is awesome
Yeah I'm about to go down a waterslide that comes out a 2nd story window. I love college.
I wasn't so much your wingman at that point as I was the interpreter of you point at shit and mumbling to the cab driver.
Her life is filled with shit luck. Its like mother nature is having her period and just taking it out on her specifically.
Just found out that guy A from the threesome I had is now dating guy B's younger sister
You need to call dibs on the blond with the tits. It's your birthday.
Haha hell yea
Because if someone gets to see those.. It should be you. It's like God telling you Happy Birthday.
He sent me a pic of her engagement ring and then STILL asked for nudes.
He was eating my ass and came up for air, I almost choked laughing because he had a toilet paper cling on stuck in his mustache
Never thought I'd say this, but getting head from a skeleton was better than I thought. Happy Halloween
Pretty sure if we keep hanging out on Tuesdays there will be no whiskey left for the younger generations or the universe will implode....tomato tahmato
okay i know we havent talked for like weeks but i just really wanted to tell you that i miss your dick. like alot.
whose this? and thank you
i found you passed out on the floor with a half-eaten pie. i figured youd be the last person to care if i went and banged your sister
thank you for the vibrator recommendation, i've come six times today and it's only noon
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