Who haven't you slept with?
No one comes to mind.
They totally botched my boob job. My tits look like they're are winking.
Um, that's called prostitution
Not if I leave it on the nightstand, then it's called cab money
What started out as Cougar hunting turned into whaling
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
gonna sleep on the stairs... to drunk to keep going up, way to drunk to go down, gonna find a comfy spot right here... its safer that way
My mom's mothers day present consisted of a card, chocolate and the rose bush I threw up in as I was getting in last night. She loved it.
Fuck now we have to have sex
What?
In a bet, need to win
Going to bed. I have to wake up early and teach small children. And then have affairs with their fathers. I'm going to get deported.
It's what America was founded on: former hookups referring you for a job four years later.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
i wish it would rain vodka just once. i have not puked yet bring it on
they wouldnt let me drive the convertible because i was in a bird suit :(
I just told the toilet I loved it. Bad sign.
Dad just asked me to breathalyze grandma
His dog ate the vibrator. The WHOLE vibrator. We spend the morning after trying to make it vomit up the battery. Why does this always happen to me?
you stood in front of the mirror for 20 minutes and finally said, "he can hear everything i'm saying inside my head. we need to leave." now try and tell me there is no such thing as too high.
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