I havent jerked off in so long, my dick literally prevented me from rolling over in my sleep this morning. new definition of painful?
Just bought a disco ball for 5 dollars, of course we're drinking tonight.
She bit a glass in half.
Just rented the SCUBA equipment. Meet me at the pool to test the underwater beer bong idea.
she texted me out of nowhere. and I wanted to get drunk. like I didn't even have her new number until 6 hours ago and bam we were rolling around drinking cotton candy vodka from the bottle she had stuffed in a boot
I'm drinking nothing but vodka and coffee for the next 48 hours. For science.
well apparently i was just calling everyone cunts. then i awoke from my blackout to 3 very mad roommates who didn't bring a key out with them
It's hot as dicks out. Lets get drunk on the roof and make pterodactyl sounds at people.
Definition of cool: he wants a back tattoo of three horses running through a "paisley explosion"
How did he even become this person? Like what drugs has he done??
So is the trick to long distance communication to be drunk during phone conversations?
At this point, I wouldn't be surprised if he laughs at all of our attempts to keep him sober.
When I come home and take my bra off and I'm served with a perfect grilled cheese along with a glass of wine. Priceless.
Why exactly is there a butt plug on the counter?
What’s the level of adulting when you reschedule a dentist appointment to have a threesome?
i'm bringing homemade birthday cake and homegrown weed. how awesome is this text?
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