I'm watching Terminator eating a jar of marshmallow fluff. Trust me, you are not fat.
saw a man tazing a raccoon in the middle of the street last night... normal
He kept spanking me and talking about biomedical science.
Aw, you fucked a pre-med? you're moving up in the world!
Today might be the day that I legitimately throw up in my saxophone.
Highlight of my weekend: having my card suspended due to "suspicious charges" and standing in line at the gas station yelling at customer service on the phone that I really did go to 4 different strip clubs in one night
running the faucet water is not hiding the sound of you vomiting. fyi.
This is going to be another afternoon spent getting drunk in the shower, isn't it?
I'm not a horrible person, I just see what everyone chooses to politely ignore.. And occasionally say it aloud whilst deeply intoxicated.
I can feel the judgmental stares of Christians from around the world right now.
he could've at least fucked me twice. that's just common courtesy.
Itd be nice if there was a level of interest in me somewhere in between the indifference and obsession that I've only been attracting
You made out with him a lot. Almost as much as you told everyone Paul was the zamboni guy.
Yeah, this is not that. This is a father and son bonding moment involving my all of my orifices.
It's 2 am on the long weekend and what am I doing? Sitting alone in my room eating chips and queso and watching Rio. Fuck I need to get laid.
It actually wasn't the first time that a guy I just met ate me out in the back seat of his car in a starbucks parking lot in the middle of the day.
Randomize
