before i die, we are going to oregon and playing oregon trails for real. like putting things in a hat & people will pull out whether they live or die. and they die of fun things like typhoid, dysentary, or hunting accident.
If you weren't supposed to have sex with your ex then they wouldn't rhyme.
I want to frame my negative pregnancy test.
im gonna call it quits for tonight... I am so drunk I dont even have the motor skills to masturbate
St Patricks Day is not the day you decide to have a sober epiphany.
I know. I almost started crying. IN WHAT UNIVERSE IS THAT A TURN ON?!
You know the party was great when the birthday girl gets arrested
her spring break bucket list included "break into The Swamp, blow him where Tebow has Tebowed"
I did not have sex with him because he had a puppy…finding out he had a husky pup waiting back at home was just an unexpected plus
GUESS WHO STILL HAS BOTH NIPPLES!
I'd like to have a moment of silence for all the dicks she's broken off
I wanted to write an apology letter to my vagina after that.
Your dad was just slow dancing with the priest and holding a beer. Classic
Fun fact: deep throating plus dehydration plus eating a lot of citrus = my throat is fucked. Metaphorically and physically.
I'm so stoned. We're making Josh's sister bake us brownies. She's so small and pixie like. Her brownies make me cry tears of happy.
Randomize
