the cashier at riteaid just made the sign of the cross before he rang up my pregnancy test. now i know god is on my side
I got so many pubes stuck in her braces that when she yanked her head, I cried out like that one girl you "accidentally" rear-ended last week. Bald spots are battle scars.
I woke up in a house cuddled up with a beagle on a futon. have no idea who anyone is but they all call me stretch. yeaaahhh boiiiiii
I figured he was gay when I walked in on him working out to Flirty Girl Fitness.
She put baby oil on her toes and i am not legally allowed to talk about what happened
she said she was gay. i said prove it. she said "ok i wont fuck you"
He was carrying a rolled up carpet saying he was saving it for tomorrow's Walk of Fame.
It Amazes me that I was able to drunk update my status in Spanish last night.
Dude he's the best wing man ever. He starts creepin' on a woman, and she clings on to you out of fear.
I would feel bad that's he's locked out naked, but the world should really see that.
Dude you of all people would miss her giving him a handjob in front of the whole party
i knew as soon as i met you that i was gonna be the designated driver
you should never start the day with a boob text. It can only go downhill from there
If anything I look like a soccor mom going out for her annual ladies night. Trying hard, but not quite in her twenty's anymore.
should i be that dick who brings a carpet in an uberpool
Why are you moving a carpet?
it's unimportant
Randomize
