I can't disclose who, but one time I called someone, they didn't pick up, and immediately texted back 'will call later, masturbating'
I thought that was really considerate
Tonight was fucked up. First my mom called me and told me I had to go to the bar to pick up my dad 'cause he was drunk. Then when I got there my dad was doing a body shot from this lady who happened to be my 1st grade teacher. By far the most awkward car ride home. Idk if I should tell my mom or not.
Just saw remains of her puke from last night on my pants.... thats got "Apology BJ" written all over it.
Highlight of my evening, pile of books falling onto me in front of people
vagina is talking i cant
Please tell me the foreign boys in the kitchen this morning were yours.
It's ok. Rob's just shotgunning upside down.
Found a fruit roll up in my pocket this morning. This means my daughter has a peach blunt wrap in her lunchbox.
But the Super Mario beer pong table is more than appropriate.
I think I might get 604 tattooed on my ass tonight...
I cried while dry heaving in the back of the car to the New York song with jay z in it. I was singing it inbetween gags.
Well I can cross 'get my dick slathered in coconut oil while watching the bob's burgers porn parody' off my bucket list.
Giiirrrllll. Back to back snaps of dicks. Two different guys sent me their dick at the same time. This is totally what our founding fathers meant with life, liberty, and the pursuit of happiness.
I still don’t believe you, the dog DID NOT tear down the shower curtain and shit on the floor.. we found you in the fetal position in the bathroom holding your tequila gun. It was you!
The air tonight was full of shame when we saw each other.
Well if u wouldn't have had sex on the front porch last night I think that could have been avoided.
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