She said you were bangin on the counters of McDonalds singing "These Eyes" at 4am
i am doomed to only fuck guys with curved cocks
I buy you gas. You blow me. Economics.
You tried to tell her that the salad was an afrodisiac then proceeded to stroke yourself with the feather duster
It was awesome explaining why I had a tiger with boxers in my bed, a little bit drunk, to a girl in a pre-sex moment
You know, last years football game was epic, but seeing the same girl that gave you a bj in the parking lot, in the same parking spot...that's fate.
This body was not built to go to the gym. It was built to chain smoke cigarettes and shoot whiskey
I was peeing in the bathroom at this house party when a guy just casually stumbles out of the shower
I honestly feel really bad for any girl with a period that lasts more than a day
Everything about that text makes me want to throttle you and cry
but there's so much I wanna do before I have kids. like die
you are like the bill nye of illicit activities
I made out with a guy because he ate a grape lollipop and he tasted delicious... not my proudest moment.
Being able to fart in her presence and not be judged is why I pay half the rent.
Your clever response has earned you a blow job this week
We just had sex on an abandoned logging road while wearing snow shoes. God bless Montana boys.
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