Awkward medical moment of the day: A very obese girl with a disorder that literally makes her hit herself punched herself in the face. Literally. While screaming 'MCDONALDS MONEY'. Right. Beside. Me.
she's got that wholesome 16 and pregnant look.
I got drunk and applied for two credit cards last night. About to find out if anyone in this world is still dumb enough to give me credit.
While in Europe, he bought me a pouring tap to put on my liquor so I don't spill. This means 2 things.1) He really loves me. 2) I'm a noticeable alcoholic.
They had some plan b on the table between the beer and the guacamole. Yeah, it's gonna be a fun party.
New policy: when a woman uses the word blowjob in a sentence within 5 minutes of meeting her, you buy her a drink.
He left with a pair of dress shoes, some goggles, and a shot glass. I think we should follow him.
I'm making tacos. Give me one good reason why we shouldn't be high while eating those tacos.
You have to stop getting hammered and preaching about that mission trip to Haiti.
I'm just saying, asking "Are you happy with me?" during a handjob is simply unfair and scientifically inadmissiable.
It would have been the trifecta of dick for her.
I was stumbling so much, men walking behind us were shouting "don't hit the pole! don't hit the pole!" whenever I was near a telephone pole.
Look. If you're going to be my girlfriend you need to be down with me licking BBQ off your face infront of kids.
There might be a dead possum in your bed, your roomate is extremely distressed!
I just checked and if you bring a picture of your ex they will shred it and give you a free 'hater shot'. Would it be too much to print off one of their wedding pictures and bring it?
I really love that you're not going the 'why am I not married and having a kid yet?' route, but rather 'thank god I dodged that bullet'
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