I was to big spoon the shit out of you right now
I'm so hungover and dru,k
He never called back after I emailed him my booty call contract.
so they are in my phone as twin 1 and twin 2. but i forget which is which. did i put them in order of who I hooked up with first, or who is sexier? cause i'm not trying to text the one with the girlfriend
1st off, theyre identical. 2ndly, have i ever told you that youre a huge slut? hope that helps
and then you yelled "out of the way, i'm a lifeguard!" and everyone let us through
And there I was, sitting Indian style on the kitchen floor, my fingers covered in peanut butter.
the bar just sent me a facebook message congratulating me on being a regular and getting such good grades. my life is not real.
He just dragged himself across the floor on his back claiming to be "the swiffer" help
No, she isn't nearly as crazy as the girl who wanted to wear a vial of my semen as a necklace.
I was just like oh sorry I'm peeling meanwhile my legs are on either side of his head and I look like a fucking Komodo dragon
I feel like I have a very capable uterus.
I'll call you on my way home
Oh my god I'm going to die between now and then... can you at least tell me if y'all hooked up???
ED guy's penis finally worked last night. It was a Festivus miracle!
I woke up in the bathtub with money shoved down my pants. I must've done something right.
Wearing Navy dress whites to a wedding is like having a magical panty removing device. I've never cockblocked a whole room just by existing before.
So, I gotta figure when the nurses at the emergency room noticed my new hair cut it means I'm there too often, right?
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