fuck. did you have to draw it on me with a permanent marker
You act like I'm friends with her or something. I only screw her boyfriend!
Oh yeah.
you came home covered in oatmeal wearing a tutu holding a stolen wrotting pumpkin and "its a girl" balloons tied around your neck.you were whispering the lyrics to aaron carters 'aarons party'. i think the real question was what DIDNT you drink last night
The movie was so bad she gave me two blowjobs. Two.
Were making a bet for which twin will relapse while in rehab. I'm going for the chubbier one
They have an open bar at this baby shower. I was born to be Cuban.
sometimes you just have to pull up your panties, blow a kiss to the security camera and walk out of the alley like nothing happened.
You blinded her by spitting vodka in her eyes, the vodka you had just taken as a body shot off of her.
I THREW AWAY MY VIBRATOR BECAUSE IT INTIMIDATED HIM. WORST. DECISION. EVER
Maybe you should start carrying pepper spray. You are like the Justin Bieber of lesbians.
Yeah i'd say someone being in the room while you're doing someone makes them eligible for fb friendship
Just keep in mind that she didn't start telling you you had the largest penis she had ever seen until AFTER she found out about your multi-million-dollar trust fund.
I've never been so drunk at home. I just sat on the toilet playing with toilet paper for ten minutes, I almost made a paper crane.
Some mornings I close deals. Other mornings I puke out my window while I’m driving down the highway
You ran up to my room. I was naked. You refused to leave without drugs. I love you.
Randomize
