also, i may or may not be wearing a cape right now. hint: i am.
i just met a girl who was sent to the hospital for using her phone as a vibrator and got electrocuted. 4 weeks later she got sent back for shoving a hot dog up there. welcome to the teenage american society
I just delivered a ham and cheese to a strip club. you were right this job is not that bad
Nah the bridesmaids all had dates. I slept with the next best thing: girl who WANTED to be a bridesmaid but didnt make the cut.
you missed an awesome concert last night. some middle aged woman that was grinding on me kept trying to stick her hand down my pants. i ended up rewarding her tenacity by letting her hold onto it for a song, i think it made her night.
Apparently we were just playing "bang a bridesmaid". I'm not sure if I won or lost...
I just wanna be like "dude your gf's on a porn site" but i just dont know if i have the heart.
Also I'm sorry for asking you to shave my vagina for me last night
sometimes a perk of being a drug dealer is amazon gift cards. who knew?
I dropped her off at home and her fiancé was shitty, it was 4:30 am. I told him I was the Uber driver
I'm 2 seconds away from smashing the bottle and drinking it off the counter with a straw.
He kept referring to my giving him head as a new level in our relationship and acting sentimental
You gave him a bj, not a kidney
I'm pretty sure that cute cop drove me home. Especially since I found his card in my purse.
Don't read too much into what I just sent. I love you, always have, but I'm drunk and sorry for the confusion.
Which part? The boyfriend or the sex?
Boyfriend. SEX IS ON!!!
Guess who just stumbled into work hungover, wearing yesterday's clothes, covered in hickeys and glitter, and carrying a giant bottle of rum in her purse.
I just took plan B at work.
This is the greatest story of all time.
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