i just heard Winston Churchill in auto-tune. thank you nerds.
Banging bitches in a bar bathroom is not legit as it was in college, there are no fistpumps afterward only shame
in my defense, he kept drinking all of my water.
he had diabetes and you told him to stop being a pansy!
I broke down outside of an all boys correctional facility
well if that's not a gay porn waiting to happen, i dont know what is...
I mean, two foreign guys have drunkenly confessed their love for her, so she's clearly doing something right.
Great news I took pics last night
Warning: most of them are of you peeing while I take selfies
Names, who you're caught in bed with, both minor details
Friends don't brand friends with cigars. It's not how it works.
I don't know if apple cider everclear was such a good idea
as your best friend, I hope we never outgrow 'I Just Got Laid' texts
Still drunk on my morning "run" which has turned into a walk. Just burped fireball
FINALLY GOT MY TENTH DICK. PARTY FOREVER
Now in listening to Jerome Bettis speak at the hall of fame and my boner just started twirling a terrible towel
Texting people and counting condoms..we have like fourteen. Goal for this week: use all of them
3 weeks in a row I've pulled '69' at the deli counter...God is giving me shit for not getting laid in a year....
Randomize
