Why do all fat girls have "that smell"?
the truckdriver in the lane next to me just looked down and motorboated in my direction.
i'm thankful for my girlfriend's hot cousins....god, i love her family parties.
Just tried to fight the dj at cowboys because he would'nt play freebird. Pick me up now.
That's just a really flattering way of saying, "Yes, you're useless, but you have great tits."
My arms are still sore. Apparently, lube wrestling is the best workout ever.
A conundrum I think only you would understand: how to classily post "I need a ride to the liquor store" on one's Facebook wall?
We're not piercing ourselves today.
I just sang Hey Jude with a homeless man and then we drank beer together. Then I watched asians take pictures under a xmas tree for an hour and fell asleep in an MGM Grand bathroom stall. #AloneinVegas
Every little girl dreams of the day when she picks up her fuck buddy because he's drunk at the gay bar again.
Apparently I pulled that girl's number while I was trying to insist my drivers license had enough money on it to cover the tab.
I know. In fairness he did tell me to throw up out his window onto his roof so I don't think he's pissed at me but I'm still mortified by the whole situation.
Fucked him in a graveyard. Need plan b.
Masturbating to death wouldn't be a terrible way to go. If you die tonight, I'll know how it went down. Promise not to tell your family.
I love you. Doing a double. Going to die. It will be painful. Let the world know i partied. God, did i party.
Randomize
