i passed out on the floor in my hallway and woke up with my dog licking himself 2 inches from my face. my first reaction? envy
You want looks pregnant, is pregnant, or the one with a kid.
While I'm in the bathroom taking a piss you think of a way to get us the hell out of here.
why do our vaginas work when we are blacked out?? it's just not fair.
you were asking all the dicks on chatroulette if they had daddy issues
Spent 30 minutes in the board meeting trying to figure out where the foul smell was coming from. Thought it was the guy's feet sitting next to me. Then i uncrossed my legs. Turns out it was my vagina. Thank goodness for travel size febreeeze.
I can't even teach it... It's just natural slutyness.. My mom has it too
You fell asleep leaning on my shoulder at the bar
You would not believe how incredibly hard it is to climb on top of a three story apartment buildings roof from the air conditioning unit
Fuck your 100 proof Hot Damn. Do you know what 100 proof vomit tastes like? Anger.
Traded my phone for pizza, then got it back this morning....successful night
This message brought to you by inappropriate slogans. Cotton candy, melting in your mouth like boners.
If by "Are you drunk?" you mean "Did you just faceplant in the checkout line at Target?" the answer is yes.
Can I write your parents a thank-you note for your huge dick?
Aaaaaaand, there's the title of my second book. "One Dick. Six Angles."
Well thank god i want six autographed copies
My nerves will need dicks later so.. I'll call you
Randomize
