If my vag had twitter, what do you think it would say?
Nothing like throwing up 1/2 price appatizers and 2 4 1 personal pitcher in uniform to remind myself what a succesful failure I am
Holy mother of cocks. I was grind-with-my-boss drunk last night.
she asked me which thongs i though her boyfriend would like best. fuck the friend zone
we were shitfaced at work by 8pm. I had to stop myself from pouring vodka in everyone's cappuccino.
First time on E and Chris took me to a petsmart during puppy day. I might die of pure awesomeness.
So I walk in and he's teaching someone in London via Skype how to roll a blunt. I have new found respect for him.
I used a jello pudding cup as a shot chaser last night. I'm the Bill Cosby of alcoholics
I put xanax in the cake batter
Did you really? It all makes sense now.
i thought you were just a really comfy body pillow until i sobered up. oops.
just woke up on a lounge chair wearing a durag and holding burrito wrappers in my hands
she was puking nonstop out of the car window in the rain during our hour long drive back, we got lot of honks
He texted "fuck you" before blocking me on all social media. Come to think of it, that's also the last thing my mother said to me. Could it be that I'm the problem?
Date with Air Force guy was nice btw. And for my next trick I'll talk him into fucking me in his fighter jet at 30,000 ft.
Yes I’m serious. I just worked YOUR 12 hour shift on 3 hours of sleep if you come over without tacos and an ice cream cake in hand we are done
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