Listen the way I know if I'm drunk is if I have stage fright in the pisser if I do then I'm not drunk! And I definitely still do right now!
My dad hugged me and said I love u. I'm glad I didn't pull out that night.
I just watched a trucker jack off to a picture of Ellen DeGeneres at a truck stop in Nebraska.
how the fuck did you end up in georgia? you were here at my party dry humping some chick 2 hours ago
so you mean to tell me that there is no way you can get me?
just found my calculator watch from 6th grade. the hipster transformation is complete
And here i was gonna offer you a complimentary blowjob.
I just picked up my chili cheese fries off the ground ate them, and then licked up the cheese that was still on the concrete. Thank you Jagerbombs
It would only make sense that I'd cheat on him with his best friend on the ides of march...
The cop said he like my hair today. Please explain all other interactions with law enforcement, k thanks
Hypothetically speaking, when I get a sugar glider would it be frowned upon to bring it Ito classes with me in m pocket?
Where's the chopping off someone's balls emoji
When God made him he put all his talent in his dick. What he lacks in brain, he makes up for in loin.
my drug dealer is also my eyebrow lady. Two birds, one stone.
I parked in the SAE Fraternity lot and left a note that said if you don't tow me you will all get a blowjob.
im pretty sure i tried to use axe body spray to cover up the strong urine smell coming from my jeans. im also pretty sure that it didnt work.
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