I see lights
Your drunk and in times square. Time to take the 2 train home.
he kept farting in my kitchen and blaming it on the dog. then we went to wendy's and he spent twenty minutes in the bathroom. im pretty sure he shit his pants.
you should have known when you found out he drove a mini cooper not to hang out with him.
it was really awkward. it took him like like 2 minutes to realize who he was jacking off to. he stopped mid-stroke. such a small small world
i told you not to try chat roulette
All I remember is yelling RUN as fireworks started going off in the kitchen. Who said that was a bad idea?
Please tell me this is my four loko that I just woke up in....
I AM SUCH A BETTER PERSON ON DRUGS
Sometimes I send them texts like "I want to make you cry and lick up your tears" just to fuck with them. And THAT is how you get rid of a Stage 5 clinger.
I stopped in the middle of puking to wish you a happy birthday, so by default it means a lot.
You told her to step on the scale because you had whiskey goggles, and scales don't lie.
Please don't mistake my med student status for responsibility. I'm drinking tequila while studying vascular surgery techniques.
This guy kept trying to use "see? I'm clean. Cleared by the plasma place today." as a pick up line. This is not okay.
WHO ARE THESE GUYS WHY AN ORGRY ON A MONDAY LMAO
I'm talking to a corgi on tinder..wtf has my life come to
Is it fucked up to venmo someone for plan-b?
Well, I hope you're having fun. I'm just gonna lay here and wait for death - shouldn't be long now.
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