I thought you should know that you passed out in your trash can last night.
Thanks for throwing up on me.
I work with a guy that has a strong spanish accent. He just said "I have a plethora of ..." and I busted out into laughter b4 he finished his sentence b/c it reminded me of 3 amigos.
once the tequila comes in everyone elses feelings go out the window.
i remember getting really pissed off when you wouldn't let me sleep in the garage with your cat.
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He's crying and calling me out on using him. It's awful. And I'm too drunk to leave.
I mostly enjoyed dancing with him because his boner was scratching my bug bites.
Febreezed myself at a stop light on the way to the IRS office. Judgmental glare from some old lady in the car next to me, thumbs up from her husband.
MY roomie made me a chinese name- it's supposed to mean 'the girl of a thousand sins.'
nothing like going to the bathroom, running into the wall, thinking its a person and saying"its ok i just had the 4 beers" even the wall knew i was lying
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He wanted to drink hypnotic from my butt crack. I need to move out this state.
Just to be clear, the only reason you're allowed to scream "COCKTAIL SERVANT" at bartenders is because you have nice tits
I was trying to climb into what I thought was a bunk bed.. Turns out it was just a cabinet under the sink in a bathroom
Also, no joke, I think that raccoon hair is still in my eye from last night.
There's a little game I've come up with since the mess of a party I had; it's called "tinsel or condom wrapper? (or: what's that on the floor?)"
Just saw 4 of my students at Denny's at 4am on a Tuesday. We all pretended not to see each other, as we are all clearly tipsy and/or stoned. Class is in less than 4 hours. Either i'm getting too old for this shit or they're starting on the road to crazy-town much earlier these days.
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