Go study a dick amy that's outrageous
I*** M*****, this is your dignity texting you. I ditched you when you started hitting on bros and old sailor men last night. My friend Sarah has pictures to prove it.
I just left the house and 2 chicks are in the kitchen making breakfast. Might want to get up.
I'm up, no shirt, and staring at a breakfast casserole. Who are these girls?
There's a show on the Discovery Channel about T-Rex sex. I think this just made my life.
It honestly wasnt my fault this time. i was in shock. WHO THE FUCK OWNS A PEACOCK?!
i just got drunk dialed and its 10am. clearly finals are over.
your mom just called me and asked me why i'm not in jail with you right now.
She was hiding under the bed to surprise me with sex. But when you took your hookup in my room to bang things out, she thought I was cheating on her. So explain it to her douche.
When she sees your dick for the first time, tell her it glows blue when orcs are close
After he finished he sang his college fight song like it was some victory
oh and apparently my boobs are named "have no fear" and "plenty o'beer"
He is more interested in finding his sweater than he is in having sex with me. It better be a great fucking sweater.
How do you clean puke off a stuffed bear?
We were in the uber and you were crying because you wanted to be an Olympic gymnast. The driver tried to console you and you just cried harder
Just had the biggest masturbatory crisis ever.
What does that mean?
Internet is down.
Randomize
