She highfived me after i yelled "I'm the clit-commander!" when i came. kevin smith fan and clearly a keeper
do you know anything about the $5 bill with my name stapled to it in my purse??
I told her you were a premature ejaculator. She nodded and said "Really? Wow, how long's he been a Pilot for?"
you are both the best and worst wingman ever.
Have you ever straight up just taken a bite out of a block of cheese? Because it's amazing.
He gave them shots of purell and called it "acid rain" jello shots. They took them.
I hate freshman.
Watched a women out our tannin salon literally fight police because she was getting arrested for trying to drunkenly fight the tanning salon owner...we need to step up our day drinking this is shameful.
Don't count me out just yet. Considering bartering a blowjob to see if that boy from work will take my shift.
You told me you had two boobs that want to be naked for me. I'm just following up on your request.
Did you know there is a guy on the porch, wrapped in your snuggie, singing no woman no cry and drinking wine coolers?
I couldn't fall back asleep it was too bright so I just took my sports bra off and put it over my eyes
You're not married and none of these idiots are committing to you so whore it up on whore island
Can we go to pirate hooker whore island then
You know you're getting old when 19 year olds you've met on tinder advise you that you should start looking for a wife and/or the mother of your children
I'm intrigued by how his mouth tasted the same as his dick.
Remember that pair of super cute shorts I pooped in? I miss those 😔
How early is too early to start day drinking? Asking for a friend
About five minutes ago. You’re good now.
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