Please stop trying to convince people that you're retarded and I suck your dick in the same conversation.
woke up next to her writing my name in some journal. apparently she makes every guy she hooks up with sign out.
Drinking wine in my childhood bed getting ready to go to sleep in order to wake up for my menial temp job. Thanks, college degree, I can handle the real world.
Needless to say they were not happy to find out that we braided their hair together, when one of them woke up needing to puke bad
Petty good. I just stapled a 5 dollar bill onto the chest of a sword swallower.
It all boils down to, who else do we know that is willing to buy our friendship?
Can we just ponder our lives for a second.
No I think my brain may implode in a puff of cocaine and sparkles.
What if our hands were octopus tentacles?
You're an idiot.
Like, he's a nice guy. But he's better at fingering than he is at speaking.
Don't make emojis simulating eating me out
its the first football sunday and my boyfriend isn't excited. this isn't gonna last unless he makes me snacks and brings me beer during the game.
I spent all the money my grandpa gave me for Christmas last night….solid start to 2015
Woke up with two different pairs of pants in the pockets of a jacket.None of the above are mine.
Dude I just realized i did a camper walk of shame in front of amish people. I should have asked for cheese and a home made pie to cover it up. Im just lost shopping in amish country nothing to see here
My boobs weigh the same amount as 25 pancakes
Randomize
