dude..why do i always have to pick up the kitty litter after you drink?
he refuses to go down on me anymore when he's high because he thinks my clit piercing stares at him
Herpes is a lot like Arnold Schwartzenneger. Because it always comes back. Also, because it is usually in some way in control of California.
An alarm set every 45 minutes saying "FATTY" and one every afternoon saying "CASPER" every day until spring break is a foolproof plan to being bikini ready
he made me scream out "#24" while we fucked...no more football players
Some guy is walking around the bar with his dick out. Health code violation?
Lets just not get arrested. That might put a damper on everything. I only say that cause i've almost been arrested.
Apparently I covered myself in sunscreen before I went to bed. Im just assuming that due to the fact I found an empty bottle of sunblock
I'm going on a valentine's date with the random guy i hooked up with in the bar bathroom this weekend...i feel like julia roberts
I'm the brains and you're the boobs of this operation.
Will that be creepy to wake him up at midnight with my tongue all over his body??
I found my spirit animal in the shower. It's a sloth/bear that lives in my chest.
FUCKIN BIRDS ARE CHIRPING AT 4 IN THE MORNING. THE SUN ISN'T RISING YET MOTHERFUCKERS, GO BACK TO YOUR NESTS.
Honey...this isn't my 20's. This is my 30's. I paid for this house and these expensive ass sheets to fuck in them. Get your ass over here.
Fuck it, I work hard. I deserve nice sex toys
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