she was pretty much dry humping my leg when her boyfriend walked in. he says "you should probably leave." all i could come up with was "YEAH, I KNOW!"
i'm laying naked in your bed you should probably come home
move.
No flamethrowers. That is a direct order.
Its 11am, im in the city in a pocahontas outfit, lost a heel and found a gold rolex in my lingerie.
I used puppy pads next to the couch for her to throw up on....
Its Nebraska, I'm sure im not the first person to wake up hungover in a corn field.
Obviously. I'm here to let you eat things off my boobs and help you get laid.
I just figured out the time exactly by how many shots and beers that I've had since this morning. I either have a terrible problem, or a great solution.
I swear the toilet was so cold I tried to stand up but my balls wer frozen to it. most awkward five minutes between me and my mom.
We smoked a blunt in a stall where a drag queen was fucking a bartender in the ass. So theres gonna be a second date :)
but I truly enjoy making out with my best friend more than my boyfriend
The moment I was petting the giraffe was the moment I passed out
This girl was in the river screaming that someone didn't love her anymore...that's when the guy in a kilt claimed her...
Whenever I have a bad day I just look at the negetive pregnancy test I keep in my purse and remind myself things could be alot worse.
I know right? It's like he knows how to pleasure me better than I do myself... He's like a prophet of sex
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