I don't care if he is my ex... I have the deed to his dick until someone else fucks him. We broke up 2 years ago.... I am still holding that deed!
I wanted to google "huge banana" but I'm pretty sure all I'd get is dick pictures.
Bartending School is so much more enjoyable now that I realized I was in rehab at this time last year.
She's the perfect storm when it comes to psycho stalkers
Its funny that cleaning up pieces of water balloons and shot glasses every morning is becoming a routine
Don't byou dare ruin egg salad by putting your penis in it that would be so sad.
I mean, how many people can say they helped surgically remove something from their body? Other than the guy that got his hand stuck under a rock and cut it off. Doesn't count
I just realized how early it is, you're taking this booty call thing to a whole other level. also, there are altoids all over my room, that was weird
I can't feel my tongue. And that means go. Green means go. And you know what Barney says. Green means go and woah means no. DRIIIIINKK
you didn't want to pay for the shots so you negotiated with the bartenders. Apparently 1 shot is worth 5 seconds of motor-boating you.
You had a fry stuck to your face... Every five mins you would wake up, take a bite, put it back then fall asleep again...
my talents include tricking people into giving me money and free drugs
Chick in the reindeer getup puked on Baby Jesus last night. But then she bought us all empanadas so she's cool.
How am i even supposed to meet his daughter? "Hi, Claire, I hear we have so much in common, like we both love your Dad and also we're almost the same age."
got laid for being an eagle scout again. 4 more and ill have all my merit badges.
Randomize
