respond to me or i'm telling everyone that you inserted a vodka soaked tampon into your anus
People kept wishing me happy birthday last night. apparently i was 21st birthday drunk
She paints her nails the color of the sheets of the last guy she slept with
Bring a bathing suit for the glitter slip n slide
You were force feeding yourself jello and you kept repeating, "I will not surrender"
He lasted about 30 seconds then said you can't win them all. But then he made me pancakes so it's okay. We shall call him mancakes.
I am drinking fireball and apple juice out of a sippy cup like a fucking toddler.
You know what I realized today? That my biggest regret of freshman year was ditching you and that foam party to have a one night stand with a skinny jean wearing vocal major.
I am concerned for your priorities but also really flattered. Flattery wins
I'd say it's his fault for never running us through proper protocol for "catching your RA in the middle of him banging some girl"
If you got me high enough to laugh at a ceiling fan until I shat my pants you should at least have the decency to buy me another pair
Whiskey and tits go great with anything. Especially fire.
Since I won't be making love with anyone on a bed of roses this year on Sunday I bought a Mustang to fill the gap
Well we found Mark's missing underwear. They're pinned up on Mike's trophy wall.
What? I'll do just about anything if you give me a sticker.
At this point, I would not mind getting hit by a truck. It would mean I could get this over with quicker.
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