Sorry you had to hear me puke. I didn't know I called you. Was it graceful?
Just told the nurse I wouldn't get on the scale. Told her to write FAT.
I just spent the past twenty minutes checking out a girl who turned out to be a mannequin. I need AA.
Wait so they unscrewed the bathroom door to find you naked?
I sleep with the gay men, they no longer have questions about their sexuality. No strings attached at it's finest and i get new shopping buddies out if it. It really is a win win situation.
You are my idol.
Say hello to your nephew Sir Isaac Meriwether van Catsworth
I'm going to have to start taking your phone after ten. That's when all the cat pictures come
I fell asleep masterbating while watching family guy... This is what happens when girl's night gets canceled
Him naked in my bed with a bottle of vodka in one hand, a pipe in the other, and a rose in his mouth.
That is cause you are some weird type of mutant that lives off of Alcohol.
Should I be concerned that the new guy I'm seeing just referred to my stealing a sailboat in college while drunk as "wholesome"?
Burnt my boob on a piece of hot waffle at work today..I feel like thats a new low point in my career..
You either got a dog, or you have a boy over. I can't tell from the noises which it is.
Me and some guy are crying in a port a potty together after another guy broke up with both of us.
I'm telling you, I 'm beginning to think that my vagina is magical.
Apparent my drunk ass was so dedicated to taking a piss, when I walked across the dance floor to get to the bathroom a 9/10 broad tried to dance with me and I just pushed her aside, like hard enough to send her a few feet from where she was standing, pointed at her and said "Not now chief, gotta rock a mean one."
Randomize
