Do you think "I had sex with my co-worker last night I don't think I can come in today" is a good excuse?
dude we were spooning naked in bed with her ass in my crotch. she sharted in her sleep all over my dick.
it was like his penis was on wheels.
I just fucked a rockette. This would have been amazing a week ago.
do you wanna get some fucking pussy tonight.....THEN DRESS LIKE IT
All that matters is I got the megaphone home safely
I want to bury your face in my vagina. Possibly by force. I will try not to suffocate you though.
Hey did where's my bong?
In the tree out back .... Top branch on the right
Should I bother to ask?
Your christmas gifts are already wrapped, how on top of my shit am I?
I'm hungover as fuck and had to break into my own house by throwing a cinder block through my back door at 4am. You're more on top of your shit than me.
you said "i met the love of my life tonight" and i said "me?" and you said "no, hummus"
fyi, pepper spray hurts. whoever comes up with the best backstory wins a prize.
I went out to have a smoke, and next thing I know, he's got me bent over a picnic table praying to deities I don't believe in. You should have been there.
It's only funny because he thinks you had sex with him to rob him.
Talk all the shit you want but I slept in a oversized monster truck tire last night.
Gotta go, there’s a chick at my door that wants to give me head
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