I swear ... this hickey is a map to Amelia Earhart's whereabouts
Today a TA in one of my classes told me he thought I was 35 and going back to school as an adult learner. Alcohol is working me.
He literally just walked in some random persons house and walked right to they're pantry. Then five minutes later he walks out with pop-tarts, mac and cheese, and captain morgan. We need to chill with this kid more often.
She just said, "are my livers going to die?"
Trumps. I've been wiping my ass with fast food napkins for 3 days.
Should I tell this TSA agent his fly is down while he is trying to hit on this chick?
that is terrible, if I can't drink Gatorade when I'm hungover I don't wanna live in this world. that's like denying wild rams to run free in the wild and frolic
How the hell could he be confused. He had a naked girl running to him. I feel like he would enjoy that.
I don't know how to reply to him. 'I'm glad the ecstasy my friend tricked you into taking wore off'...? It just doesn't seem sincere
Well, let's just say, I got that eye patch like we were joking about
You can't do wine Netflix and blow jobs in the bed you've had since 5th grade with your parents downstairs
I just wanted to check in on you and you replied with a selfie with your Coney Island waiter and the caption "after his shift we're dropping acid together"
When your guy changes his swinger profile to include you. #makingprogress
We banged in his car behind the burrito place. Google Maps keeps asking me to rate my visit. 5/5, would cum again.
There's a lady rapping at me about making healthy food choices. She lives in a refrigerator. This is not okay with me
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