booty call
i swear to god if you come over i will kick you in the pussy.
he spent the whole night trying to convince me into a2m. i won't even use the pb til i clean the jelly knife. i love him but it's not going to happen.
but instead of smelling like hand cream and homemade cookies, she smells like a yeast infection.
so we told my parents we were going trick or treating. got high as shit at some playground. and then bought our own candy so we looked legit when we got home.
Considering he believes im part of the 2016 us curling team id say hes pretty drunk
im honestly just eating salsa and looking at his penis
It's one of the many facets of my drunken alter egos. I'm like substance abuse batman.
You know what's soul crushing? Walking to subway and find out you were too drunk to put on shoes and being denied service.
Um. I literally have no words.
Two questions for you. Did I throw up last night and did we get food or did I dream that..?
No you never threw up but you did force me to take you to wendy's because you wanted "beef and ketchup"
Exactly, there's no such thing as commitment at foam n' glow
woke up next to the new dishwasher. set the record for banging a new employee to 6 hours...i should be a professional sexual predator
Im breaking out the trunk vodka tonight, its been aged to perfection.
I see you met someone special
He called me saying he got nice rims for his car so now we can fuck in style
Hung out near hay bales in sweaters then she gave me a pumpkin spice pop rocks bj. That was so freakin' seasonal.
The last thing I need is a possessed urethra.
Randomize
