Eating a girl out that was just in the ocean does not make her taste like saltwater taffy
Paddidles count extra in the back of a cop car
you can't exactly throw up or pass out at the pentagon so i had to pull my shit together
I legitimately just tried to piss above my head. I got to my chest at highest. There's piss everywhere.
Just woke up next to our cab driver from last night. Please tell me this isn't happening.
Nope we're in the ER. He lit himself on fire trying to impress another girl with magic tricks.
My roommate's all sad and is crying and the chick I want to bang is in the room and Nic Cage is on fire. What the fuck.
i don't think they understood the house was collapsing. they kept dancing and jumping and asking for more cups.
How do I politely say my vagina is not a chew toy and if you bite me again I will slap you?
You could say take it easy, whoa there, be gentle, anything that doesn't fully convey the horror.
Whoever put the picture of my dad in the condom box is an asshole
There was a pirates of the caribbean marathon on. No matter how much you like rum, it is NOT possible to outdrink the pirates. They always win.
You just jumped of the couch and yelled "hidden tiger crouching dragon!" That's the answer to how you broke your finger.
Idk my boobs are big but i dont think theyre hide a flask in them big..
Also, there's definitely not a non-hilarious way to ask to stick something up your butt.
Nice. Make him jerk off and tape it. Send it to his woman. I also love that you had another skype date
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