can you take me to a tanning bed
sure, why though?
i have to go once so i can blame these herpes on the tanning bed and she won't get suspicious
She has never blacked out. I have tried to get her to so many times. Apparently it's a lot harder than we make it out to be.
Lying on this bed is like lying on love and marshmallows and joy
Nothing makes me happier than finding out someone else is pregnant and it's not you.
Batchelotette party success. I woke up on the floor in nothing but a thong, a garter and a shirt that says Just Do Me.
I just found out two girls I dated met each other, bonded over how much they hate me, started dating and are gonna get married soon.
But there's never enough margarita money.
This is going to be one of those situations where we lose a day, isn't it
The dominoes guy came back thirty mins later to ask me out. I guess he figures if I'm eating pizza alone I must have gotten dumped
at one point while they were drilling into my jaw I just remember thinking "will I ever be able to suck dick again"
I shaved my entire vagina for a man who had the personality of a potato and a C- orgasm. Life is a series of disappointments.
I was really excited when I saw a billboard for neverbethirsty.org this morning. Then I realized it was for a church.
He showed up with a hearse full of beer and is currently shooting pumpkins with a flare gun. Who gives a shit if he's a furry. We need to party with him more often.
Change of plans & whoring it up tonight
I think I fell in love last night
That guy had a face tattoo and was named Cheddar. Please tell me you’re kidding.
Dude, I just masturbated with my cat sleeping on my boobs....
You have GOT to get this crazy cat lady thing under control. I'm finding you a man. And you'll take him, and thank me. After that text, you have no right to be picky.
Randomize
