true best friends attempt to put quarters in each others butts. Thanks for the best birthday ever!
I'm seriously so bored I'm seeing how many rooms I can masturbate in before I get caught.
Four. Poor grandma...
If a cop asks you "Where do you go for fun?", it's not a pick up line...especially if he just pulled you over.
Why is there a shirtless guy in Walgreens and why is he probably looking for the same thing I am?
I am now trying to reassure her that she doesn't have a wide-set vagina. So thanks, for whatever you said.
Is everything ok? Last time I missed your call you were being arrested.
I have discovered that there is nothing that a giant penis attached to a southern accent can't talk me into. yee-haw!
I'll do a soapy photo shoot for you in the shower. No loofas, though. Once you get one of those caught in your nipple ring, you never go back.
He's trying to marry me, when is the appropriate time to tell him my real name and that Dallas is a completely fictitious slutty alter ego? I need the advice of someone with morals.
I literally just biked home like I was on the last leg about to win the tour du France. Fuck diarrhea
Going through Bojangles drive thru chanting "KFC" hammered at 8:00 was the highlight.
You came home And decided to make beer battered bacon... That's why there was smoke
I woke up hugging a box of cheerios that had "wonder woman" written in sharpie on it. So much for a sober night.
not sure if destroying him emotionally was worth it but damn it's a fucking hilarious story
the quiet that you are hearing is a silent suggestion that you should go fuck yourself
Randomize
