I think i ate a live goldfish last night. that i caught with my hand in a kiddie pool. my stomach really hurts.
I've decided through careful research we can out drink any country folk.
I met the friendliest cop last night
I read the police report. You asked the cop if you could use his in-car computer to update your facebook. No way you get out of a DUI.
As I was going down on her I noticed she had a tatoo on her inner thigh that said "Eat it like your birthday cake".
I woke up and we were making out. So the good news is that after two years off the market, I haven't lost a step. I'm picking up girls in my sleep now.
God gave him joint rollers for hands
This is my transition from small talk texts to booty call texts. Coming over?
Quite the smooth talker. There in 5.
The problem with that is that my car has been stolen
With a few pieces of metal and duct tape and a bong was created
I need a priest, doctor, and therapist after this weekend.
You came walking in the backyard at 10am, in cowboy boots, a new shirt, and had no money,....we lost you for 15 hours....i think you just need a camera crew, or an assistant. IMPRESSED!
Home-made laxative recipe: activia yogurt and tequila shots. Any ratio ought to work.
You kept yelling "NO CAPES" at me for no apparent reason
True fear is being unable to remember where you hid your weed and vibrator in your parent's house.
I went in the hotel's jacuzzi fully clothed, threw up in the bathroom half an hour later and woke up naked next to Dr. Seuss' "Oh the Places You'll Go"
Randomize
