I just gift wrapped bread.
dont get me wrong, i like when a guy is into my boobs but when he started saying mama i want milk let me suck, i gathered my shit together and bounced.
I'm drinking a margarita out of my 'best bj' trophy and it tastes like victory.
I can see why you broke up with her now... it was like having sex with a corpse.
I woke up to him drunk-t-bagging me, saying "huevos rancheros" were being served for breakfast.
The Angel on my shoulder is now resorting to merely reminding me that, "You will regret this later." I'm not sure if he's learning how I think or just giving up. Either way, should make life a bit more interesting.
She's like an enigma, wrapped in a riddle, tossed in miller light, inside a question. Nobody can explain a Heather.
Alright, who started the "how long till dereck gets deported from Australia" pool? I want in on that.
I found a half-finished mass text from my California weekend that said "things I want to rape: you, things, stuff, and le"
Got drunk and passed out flintstone vitamins to everyone at the bar. I'm just so god damn motherly
He's the first man I've met that knows more about Harry Potter than I do. He shops at Goodwill and has a Game of Thrones cookbook in his apartment. This is my soulmate.
I threw a dessert topping at a baby tonight so drink up! If you stay sober tonight I will be very disappointed in you.
im watching blue is the warmest color at the music box and this dude is literally masturbating 3 feet in front of me
I'm honestly wondering if my vagina did something to offend the universe
My drunk ass is being chauffeured around like the damn queen of England
Randomize
