i'm sorry if your life is a sore subject
I love how you are more concerned with what i call my penis than the fact i wanna bone some high school chicks
I can hear the condescending tone from the atm when it asks if $3 is all I would like to deposit
I woke up and there is a food processor in my purse. Someone else's framed family photo. My front door is wide open and my gerbil is playing in the water bong.
Yeah I'm going to bathe him.
Upside of a two-day migraine: thanks to a prominent "E" in the middle of every pill, I think we can totally pass off Excedrine Migraine as ecstasy to stupid, drunk freshman. This is totally going to happen. That entrepreneurship course is paying off.
Managed to discreetly puke out of a moving streetcar window, in front of no less than a dozen people. Nobody saw/said anything. I feel like a legit local now.
only clue right now is the orange grease all on my clothes. debit card denied so I know something weird went down..
He left npr on the whole time when we were doing it. ironic that i lost it on the 100th anniversary of the titanic. thanks michelle norris.
She wouldn't put out on the first date. I think my boner put a hole in my mattress.
Before he left he told me if his girlfriend ever finds out, she'll take us both to an alley and kill us.
"You're the only girl I haven't made out with yet" = worst pick up line ever
Most tragic bathtub-fart of all time. I am going to be late.
Ate 3 ghost peppers and chased them with Everclear last night. Currently on the toilet cursing the universe and everyone in it.
you were acting out moves from the wwe, in a dress. then you sceamed "you can't see me" and ran out of the apt.
at the time fanning him with a dish tray seemed like a good idea but when we found it buried in the dirt the next morning i questioned our judgement. needless to say he still threw up even with the extra breeze.
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