Vegas for my brothers bachelor party. Just landed and I have a boner. I'm giggly and teary eyed I'm so excited.
I think im going to throw up on grandma
woke up and her hair clip was clamped around my shaft
i wish my apartment had room service that i didn't have to pay for.
There are only two things that should be in vaginas... penises and vegetables
His facebook status is an owl city song. I'm so glad i didn't end up fucking him.
You need to get here now. A drunk girl just stumbled into our apartment. shes laying on the floor by our door.
you started keeping track of only every even numbered drink you had
Just woke up to my stoned boyfriend building a shrine around my bare ass. He'll never leave me.
We got a 5L jug of wine for 3 Euro. Italy was a good choice.
i preemptively threaten to cock slap your kids if they are snobby yuppy bitches
I'm a male taking pregnancy tests with every girl at the party. i have no regrets
Bored of what? I stayed up all night researching sex toys because I'm excited to do things with you that I haven't done in 29 years of having a body.
I just realized that you're going to be drunk for daylight savings time again. Godspeed.
And with the bitter taste of failure in my mouth, i am off to pub to drown it in tequila and 19 year olds, so in the morning i can add pregnancy and stds to my list of problems.
Randomize
