I woke up on my floor...
I woke up with colors of the wind playing on repeat on my laptop...
Does it count as a shower if I just sat in the tub singing I'm a Little Teapot?
road dome is illegal, just asked in driving school.
Would you want me to push you down the stairs OR throw you a baby shower?? Real talk
Def ran into my elementary school babysitter at the grocery store. Still hot. And she complimented my beer choice. It feels good to still have her approval
I'm having salsa con queso and a leftover half-drank/flat red bull for breakfast. Nothing you propose doing today would be a downgrade.
We held a candle light vigil outside the jail hoping for her release, until we realized we were drunk in the jail parking lot.
You left something at the house but since I'm back home now so I can just mail it over. Address?
I didn't realize you could put dignity in a box these days.
Sex in the moonbounce later?
This is why I love you.
Dude, there are some things that you can't un-see. Her, beached on a dog bed, is one of them.
Can you tell me why Star Wars Burlesque is pulled up on my phone from last night?
You were passed out in the OutBack Bowl Shrimp costume and when we asked you wtf happened you just said On Wisconsin.
I need a fuck buddy with more available hours
He held my hair back for me while i vomited in my driveway last night and i repayed him by farting mid-heave.
Going through his web history. 10 hours ago he searched "how to put on condom with your teeth" I think I'm getting it tonight.
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