My dog fell asleep in his puke last night. He's only 5 weeks old and has more in common with my friends than I do.
You told me you were pretty sure you were god because you knew everything about everyone.
i just got so high i needed a buddy system to the kitchen
Girl next to me just said "as a guy I used to sweat but not I don't. it's awesome" Oh. My. God.
I think its only fitting my first purchase with my student loan is a glass pipe? I think ill name it 'Subsidized'
And then he proceeded to take my heartbeat, because apparently that tells him whether I was faking or not...
I dont know if you relize this but ive been high ly medicated in my room for a whil now. GOing out into the real world would make me li ke tom ha nks. im not ready to be tom hanks..
I woke up naked except for someone else's socks. Im so proud
I just used a beer funnel to put gas in my car
Just had an oven catch fire while I was balls deep. Fire department came, I did not.
Jesus Christ. Even your cock has to be an overachiever. :-(
He pretended his dick was a samurai sword and that he was slaying me with it is it bad I still wanted him to fuck me
if i hadn't ended our catfight by hugging you one of us might be dead right now
Even in drag you're still better looking than your sister.
I'm getting reacquainted with drunk me. She has grown up a lot.
Randomize
