i'd rather walk the sahara in a snuggie with no water than take a bicycle cab
Where does it all go? I've busted inside of you like 10 times in the last week.
I thought it was kinda weird that her ten yearold sister was playing bartender, but hey, the girl makes a damn good drink
i'm having taco bell mild sauce and tums for breakfast because i'm hungover and thats all i can find. it's like thanksgiving up in here
You used the best tools you had at your disposal.
Slutty, slutty tools.
There's an old guy having a conversation with his penis in the bathroom right now.
But you're the one who should be jamming foreign objects into my vaj instead of an old weird lady. I mean, it is your birthday....
I'm sad we weren't friends when I went through my "I like drugging my friends" phase
who knew my inner goddess was such a whore
My face feels like a midget just gave birth to quintuplets
Got myself invited to boss's family dinner party, drank too much, and fucked boss's brother in his parent's house. Just another Wednesday.
I'M IN A SPINNING VORTEX OF SELF-HATRED AND HORNINESS
He texted me "sup", so I sent him that gif of the surprised guy and apparently it offended him
He threatened my life and my car because I called you. Are you sure you never slept with him ?
I miss all the tiny banana hammocks... When can I go back to ogling? I can do it from a lot farther than six feet without any complaints.
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