I cannot find my penis.
Four minutes until I can fart!
You're earring is so big in my mouth
What did I eat last night that was bloody?
Apparently I promised a worker at La Siesta free English lessons to make up for vomming all over the little Mariachi band.
he confused my yawn for an orgasm
But life is now good. Well, not good, good would be not wearing the penis hat with the extended family of the boy I just cheated on, but as good as it's going to get today
I hate being near you and not being able to do what I want. It's like a recovering alcoholic tending bar. I feel like Sam Malone. Except I can't bang the cute chick I work with.
Can I just text her like "yo sorry I fucked your boyfriend, let's go get sushi" or like nah
She said it was unconventional for me to yell "Shazam!!" when I came inside her.
I need a drink. No, several. I need several drinks. Drunk, I need to be drunk. Definitely need to be drunk
You either got a dog, or you have a boy over. I can't tell from the noises which it is.
You peed all over his floor and had a bottle popped in your ass when you passed out. Don't tell me I'm "still living in my college days"
Woke up with an entire pizza face down in my bed beside me... untouched. Never beer bong a whole bottle of wine.
Omg I just looked in my purse from last night.. 10 bags of gummy bears.
Randomize
