shit is crazy. i just keep thinking that this kid growing inside Emily used to live in my balls.
i recognized the place by the puke stain i left on the pool table when i hooked up with his roommate.
You're sure you don't want to come? I'm pretty sure there is going to be "Pin the Tail on the Baby".
I'm about to do the walk of shame in a christmas onesie. What would I do without christmas sweater party season?
For public speaking we have to bring an object that describes us to class. Can't decide if I wanna bring a flask or a shot glass.
You had your dick do your apologizing for you last night. Apology accepted.
As an added realisation of today. If we used the last time I got laid as a conceiving date I would have a two week old baby. It's been too long...
Don't judge them too harshly for getting kicked out of a strip club. Happens to the best of us.
You are the coolest girlfriend ever.
I can't. I drank 10 years off my life last night. I need to reevaluate. Sorry.
Apparently I send drunk snapchats a lot and they always have random dudes in them. Like one night it was just me and some guy I don't know sitting on my couch.
Okay so.. What's with me and guys who have more than 2 nipples
It was like, once I started flashing you, I couldn't stop.
Hi please disregard the last text and if you'd like our entire interaction
Done
I slid a quarter down a drunk man's butt crack last night. Qdoba gets rowdy
I feel like I should be having more sex dreams of my boyfriend than his sister..
Randomize
