i just saw someone crawling up the stairs to the dorm while screaming "i have the best vagina!"
it was either a really good one night stand or a really really good first date. thank you online dating
Today my mom told me "that's what worries me about you getting blacked out drunk... You don't look pretty"
He hit on a bridal shower w/ his hand on my tit the entire time. Gave his number to the mom.
Just realized how sopa could affect my ability to watch porn, son of a bitch
Apparently you missed the drunkest me ever documented. I slept on the hardwood floor and left my pants on the porch to give u a frame of reference.
I shall welcome him into my body with an open liver and completely lay down all chance of resistance. Sweet Zeus, please take me to Mt. Olympus and share all that is divine. I promise, the secrets will be safe with me
So dude comes out in a full body leotard and a wand and announced he's king of the gays. Chicago is a weird but fun place
Neither a grow-er nor a show-er. More like a no-er. If he didn't have testicles, I'm not sure you could tell he was a male, even standing there naked. There will be no second date.
We should probably feel disgusted that we took turns eating and drunkenly passing around a burrito the size of a small dog but i’m ok with it.
do I look like a person who has full control of their limbs and existence on this plane of reality
Fine I'll cuddle you but only for the purpose of trying to survive
He was doing dishes, naked. I dropped to my knees and gave him head. Teamwork level- pro..
I'm not going to waste the next hour of my life writing a diplomatic email explaining that she's bitch. I have Parks and Rec to watch.
You’ve seen my tits of course he broke his wedding vows
Randomize
