i should write a book entitled 'the joys of being sexually objectified'
Ummmm yeah ..,.. All three girlfriends I have right now are chatting with each other at the party...... I'll see you on the other side
Had to have a serious talk with my liver and remind it that it is my birthday weekend and there are three more nights like last night ahead of us
Yeah. I stopped her before she flashed the guy for a free slice of pizza. She called me a gentleman and then before I knew it she was in my bed.
I'm lonelier than Tom Hanks in Cast Away, right meow. Ready to make this bong my Wilson.
I WALKED myself out of breath. And I'm lost I'm a Tim Hortons parking lot. That's how hungover I am.
okay i am so sorry that i pulled a knife on you last night but seriously that woman knows how to throw a party.
I have a new favorite bar game. It's called, get dressed up and go drinking alone then make up random stories of why you are alone to look less like an alc
I am naked in a blanket sprawled on my bed eating a pastry. This is all I want out of life. Ever.
you got in a fight with your imaginary friend last night when he didn't catch you after a surprise trust fall
I told you being able to play expert on guitar hero would get us laid one day
My mom wants to name our new dog the same name as my fuck buddy. This will be weird
He's a Republican and an Ohio State fan idk how far this can go.
the universe is starting to freak me out.. ive now had sex with 3 people who were born on the same day..
He looked so uninterested when the stripper was slapping him. Now his roommates are harassing me about how crazy our sex must be.
Randomize
