God. I look like such a fucking stand up guy wearing polo shirts. You would totally trust me not to date rape you.
I put my bosses number in my phone as "Do not call," I shouldve known my drunk curiosity would overcome any desire I had to keep my job.
again?
i can't believe i had a foursome before a threesome
Out of ice. Vodka+club soda+cut up lime popscicle=I'm an alcoholic genius.
Hey, did you take me to hospital last night?
Yikes. I usually have a 24-hour waiting period between sex partners. You know, like for a handgun.
In other news my cocaine dealer got arrested for heaving some kid out of a fourth story window.
so it turns out the huge bruises on my knees are from drunk bmxing and not getting railed from behind on the ground
and ill have you know that I only wiped out twice
I just realized I'm currently not eating carbs, drinking alcohol or having sex. 2014 is off to a horrible start.
I hate drunk me more than anyone else in this world
he threw his shirt and suit jacket out the window of the uber going home
I need a "no soliciting" sign for your dick
Why the HOLY HELL is my dog on my roof??? Sam?? Why is the dog wearing my pants
And god said thou shalt never deny free booze. And it was good.
Hate my fucking roommates.... Seriously, who the FUCK peels potatoes in the bathroom sink?!
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