i'm drinking out of my 'black like my president' mug
I just woke up with a girl who has left and right tattoed on her wrists. In french. I may need to stop drinking.
This girl added me on fb and has all these pics of her kissing her little brother saying i will love you forever. I'm creeped out.
maybe it's her son
thats not any better.
Sorry, I don't speak sober.
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The bender is in full force. After 2 bloody mary's at breakfast we are now drinking vodka redbull "as a precaution" so we will stay awake for the club tonight.
Just realized the fur coat I am wearing to the wedding is the one I had sex with the groom in
I am not kidding you. There is an airport luggage cart overturned in my driveway. We need to stop going to the airport bar.
I tried to take a photo for proof but couldn't hold my penis, camera, and measuring tape all at the same time.
Just bought a breathalyzer and Sharpies, guess who thought of a new drinking game
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The engagement ring savings account is now the strippers and gin savings account. What are you doing tonight?
I went to pick my brother up downtown and I stopped at a red light a homeless old man comes up knocks on the window shows me his penis and then screams money
I'm sorry I didn't get you anything for your birthday
It's just you didn't get me the fucking bear suit last year
I had to fake it. He was punching my vagina like it owed him money and enough was enough.
RUDE you're the one missing half a nipple...
IT HEALED AND GREW BACK TO BE A FULL HEALTHY NIPPLE OKAY
I broke my wrist trying to give him a blow job...
And this is why we can’t have nice things
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