I just got eleven picture messages of my dick and balls hanging out of my shorts last night. I guess it really is summer when the fratastic, man-thigh exposing shorts come out...
Bro i heard that. I've seen so many balls this month its like march madness all over again
My 10 year old son gave me a bottle of jameson for fathers day. Did you have something to do with this?
When I like her vacation photos, it really means "Im sleeping with your boyfriend." wonder if she will make the connection.
He spent 6 hours at the ER after crashing a motorcycle and still came to the bar, Ofcourse I went home with him. He's my hero.
I know it basically makes me the worst feminist ever, but I don't want to kill my own spiders. And I will pay my personal spider hit man with sammiches and unlimited , uninhibited access to my vagina.
I was like a migrating bird last night. Navigating on pure instinct. Don't remember how... but I made it home.
Anyhow, I am sorry for being obnoxious about wanting more sex and forcing you to eat lunchmeat off of my ginormous nipples. I knew that you weren't going to succumb to my pushy demands
Telling the family you're going for a run, getting dressed in workout clothes, and then walking halfway around the block and smoking a joint. This is my life
Why did you fed-x me a peanut butter sandwich?
It seemed like the thing to do. There's popcorn on it too.
STOP smoking sooo much weed. Damn
you said "i met the love of my life tonight" and i said "me?" and you said "no, hummus"
He's unconstrained by sanity, physics, or his liver.
we got cupcakes after we fucked. gives a whole new meaning to sugar daddy
I just put vagisil on my bug bites how do you think my morning is going
I feel like hooking up with you on my floor, sneaking out my window and jumping a fence is an effort that deserves a happy birthday.
I'm not just straddling the line between love and hate, I'm dry humping the shit out of it
Randomize
