And i quote: "where's y'alls from comin' in with them accents?" - from a mississipi mcdonalds
the toilet has never flushed louder then when you sneak home drunk and try to avoid your parents hearing you puke.
did you violate me with a mr sketch marker when i passed out? i just peed and wiped purple and it smelled like grape. i need to get to the bottom of this...
You kept whispering, no one does me like Jimmy Johns does me.
Dont worry about the blood on the pillow. its from my face.
You've slept with me you know how lazy I am in bed.
MEET ME OUTSIDE YOUR HOUSE IN THREE MINUTES. BE DRUNK. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I'm trying to figure if this dude sitting in his car with the door open is dead or just sleeping. Someone was probably wondering the same thing bout me 20 minutes ago. Your meeting is taking a ridiculous amount of time.
They're making him take his shirt off cause they think he's the bouncer. We're in his backyard.
Like I had to call my dad because I couldn't manage to unlock the door. And when he got there to open it I was climbing the gate to get in.
Yes dating, but it seems easier to just live in a perpetual state of Netflix, internet porn, and cheese.
I just dropped a condom on the floor at costco in front of my girlfriend and her husband. Today is not going to go well.
A shark bit my leg in the Gulf of Mexico well me and the T were banging so look for it in the papers
Oh the best part of having sex with him was that he made me a smoothie after
last time we were there you stole a tap from the toilets. How are you confused that your bag is full of baubles you clearly can't stop collecting their furnishings
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